Aftermath of Stroke, Anger at God

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Aftermath of Stroke, Anger at God


In November 2023, while on a holiday cruise, her husband Thomas suffered a stroke. They had just disembarked in Penang, and he was treated at a hospital there before travelling back to Singapore. Serene Low Kit Ping shares about her “deep sense of anger” against God, and how she navigated through her struggle to recover her faith in God.


“This is not supposed to have happened!” I protested to God. “It is not right that my husband should fall ill when I am still care-giving for my mum!” 


My husband was faithfully serving the Lord as a pastoral staff of Mount Carmel. “Why does Thomas have to suffer this pain? God, what are you up to?” I could not contain a deep sense of anger against God. 


In the turmoil of my anger, God’s still small voice spoke, “My dear child, do you not recall how you had prayed years ago when another family was grieving the loss of a loved one?”


Indeed, my first prayer for them then was that they would not be angry with God. 


Is that a prayer I could utter only objectively, from a distance? Yet, now when I am going through loss, I find myself hurling metaphorical stones at God! That awareness of the hypocrisy in me quietened my heart.


But not for long—soon I started questioning again. “Is there a God? Is this God even real? Maybe the God I had always believed in was fake.” I began asking myself. “Perhaps, there is God but He is not the loving and benevolent God I had known Him to be!” 


While I was struggling with my doubts, God reminded me that during the Watchnight Service in 2022, I had shared about my care-giving journey for my mum. I had declared, “God is so real.” Am I now ready to backtrack and announce that that same God is a phoney? 

To do that would be to deny all the encounters I have had of God since I first knew Him at the age of 16. And to denounce all the joys I have known. That would be a terrifying prospect! 

 

I was further reminded of a significant encounter with God exactly one week before Thomas suffered the stroke. On that Friday, I had to undergo an MRI. I had prayed to God to give me a verse, a song and an image to focus on while doing the MRI. 


At five in the morning, from my 16th floor balcony, I looked up to the sky above. God gave me the image of the moon and one star! 

During the MRI, I struggled to complete the procedure and had to be rolled out twice. On the third try, I managed to silently recite the verse and sing the song. Then the image came to me. And that was when God took my breath away. 


Lying there, I suddenly “saw” the moon and the star, way up above me. What was astounding was the sense of space, and its vast expanse! At that moment, with my eyes closed, I was transported out of the confines of the MRI tunnel. What a breakthrough that was!

 

God gave me that significant encounter of His reality to prepare me for what would happen a week later. And also for this journey I am now on with my husband as he goes through rehabilitation from stroke. I am humbled that in my angry wrestling with God, He has been gentle and gracious with me.

 

Recently, during my quiet reflection and conversation with God, He unveiled yet another layer of truth. That very image has not been just about the MRI that I had to undergo. Nor was it just for this season of my life. God had shown me something else far more amazing.

He was showing me that I can TRANSCEND—the exact word He gave me. With God, I can rise above physical, emotional and psychological limitations. The whole situation is wrapped with irony. How does one feel such vastness in such a confined space? 


Today, I may feel that I am metaphorically in some kind of MRI tunnel. I may feel trapped physically and emotionally in my current circumstances. But God is showing me that “with Him” I can transcend whatever limitations I am experiencing today. 


Thomas and I can continue to live our lives joyfully and abundantly. While we have had our moments of grieving together, we have been able to laugh and rejoice together. 

 

These past six months, many brothers and sisters have showered us with much love, spending time with us at the hospital and, after discharge, at our home. We were blessed with a steady stream of visitors sharing conversations and prayers, encouraging us and ministering with “food therapy”

for Thomas.

I am thankful for the sisters who dropped by the hospital to drive me home, and the brothers who ferried Thomas to the various therapy sessions. At times when I was gripped by despair, there were sisters I could reach out to, sisters who listened to my pain and who shared a prayer, a verse, a song to lift me up. They gave me and continue to give the strength to go on. 


Our Christmas at the hospital was most eventful and memorable. One Care Group brought Christmas right into the hospital. They sang carols and brought Christmas cheer. More people came by through the day to sing with us. Indeed, there was much sharing of life around the hospital bed. 


After a period of absence from church, Thomas and I returned to worship onsite again. We met many people whose eyes spoke of deep concern, whose handshakes spoke of genuine warmth, and whose hugs conveyed such love that I could no longer deny the reality of our loving God. 


No more anger at God, only joy to be in His house with His people. I am home with my family. God is real and He is good.

Serene Low is an English teacher who has taught students from preschools to tertiary institutions. She specialises in teaching foreign students and aspires to influence lives through her interaction with young people. She is married to Pastor Thomas Lim and they have three adult daughters.

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