Questions & Responses

Qn: How have you and your family been since Zeddie’s passing?

It's been an adjustment. Life moves on and yet we've gone through a profound loss that we continue to feel and we are still learning everyday how to grieve and to hold space for one another's grief.

We are learning that grief doesn't really have a time frame and kind of just sneaks up on you sometimes. The other day we attended the children's kindergarten graduation and in the middle of the performances I was just overwhelmed with sadness realizing we'd never get to see Zeddie go to school or graduate from kindergarten.

Birthdays in our family have also changed in their tone and feel. Now we'll always have a member in our family who's missing – one who we never got to celebrate any of our birthdays with. 

But in all this grief and sadness we've also been experiencing God's grace so abundantly. I couldn't imagine what life after Zeddie's death would look like. Knowing my fear, God so kindly connected us to other Christian families who also lost babies in the same week Zeddie was born and passed away.

Having other mothers who feel the same pain and loss so acutely yet point me to Jesus and eternity has been so helpful for my heart to not grow bitter.

Qn: What were some feelings and thoughts you had that were the hardest to grapple with when Zeddie was first diagnosed with Anencephaly? 

I remember the initial feeling I had was a split moment of disbelief – was this really happening to us? But then grief followed quite quickly. I grieved for what my children (Alyssa, 4, and Thaddeus, 2) would lose, how they would have to face the reality of death and the brokenness of this world – that they wouldn't understand – at such a young age. I think that was one of the hardest parts. Learning to help the children understand what was happening and teaching them about who God is through all this. 

The other thing I had to grapple with was all the other mothers expecting babies. Suddenly our church had so, so many mothers expecting children in the last quarter of the year. It was crazy! I had to really wrestle with God on this one, but it was in this wrestling where I heard God so clearly speak to me and reassure me of His continual presence.
 

Qn: Your family has been faithfully serving God through many generations, and some – even Christians themselves – might have even wondered how God could deal Zeddie with such odds. How might you respond to someone who’s wondering if you are even the least bit angry at God? 

I would point this person back to who this God is. He’s the God who suffered the loss of His own Son! He knows what it's like to be separated from the son you love. 

We have been spending this past year doing an overview of the Old Testament and all through the pages of Scripture we see how God doesn't keep suffering and pain away from His people. (In fact, the Bible is full of stories of God's people suffering!)

God's aim isn't to give His children & people who serve Him a pain-free, care-free, suffering-free life. His aim has always been to have a relationship with them. Everything He's done in the OT works towards fulfilling that relationship through Jesus & the cross. And everything He continues to do today is still in sync with His greatest desire for a growing and deepening relationship, with His children.

Our belief that God is still good and worthy of our praise and worship is reflected in Zeddie's name, coming from Ebenezer, meaning “Till now the Lord has helped us.” (1 Samuel 7:12 ESV)

Another family who lost their little baby shared, “The Lord was good to allow this suffering because He knew we would get more of Him than we ever had before.” We echo this sentiment. We lost Zeddie, but we got more of God. As much as we long for our son, we delight in getting to be so near the Lord. 

Qn: In the midst of your heartbreak and grief as Zeddie’s Mom, how has God, being your Heavenly Father, cared and loved you through this season? 

 I am grateful for how God orchestrated it such that I was able to build up a strong foundation in God's word the past 7-8 years. This allowed me to learn more about who He was and what His character and heart was like and in turn allowed me to have the confidence that even my infant son dying was something that did not go against who I knew my God to be – a loving, just, merciful and kind God. 

Having this sure confidence in God and the Gospel prior to receiving the news of Zeddie’s diagnosis kept us on our feet, even if it felt like the world was spinning. We knew that our God was in control and that we could trust Him even if we didn't have all the answers. 

Being rooted in the Word also meant that we did not have to wrestle with hole-ridden theology and we are thankful for the time we had in our study of Romans back in 2017 which gave us a good understanding about suffering and the Christian life.   

God has also lovingly placed a supportive community around us, keeping us afloat. Our close friends and family recognized, and valued Zeddie’s life and we really appreciated how they ’welcomed him’ into their conversations and prayers. 

The incidence of Anencephaly in Singapore is a mere 0.58 per 1,000 livebirths – very unlikely that we would know another couple faced with the same diagnosis for their baby. And yet it was not so! Friends we already knew, as well as new friends we had made, all united by the same Gospel Hope of Jesus’ resurrected life, were a blessing in carrying us through the darkest thunderstorms of grief all these months, and beyond. We know we will be reunited with our children when He comes again. 

Qn: As we look forward to celebrating Christmas, how does this season speak to you as you grieve Zeddie?

Christmas has taken on a whole new level of hope this year. Remembering Jesus's birth and anticipating His return is another way we keep our minds and hearts eternity-focused. This world is not our home, and we need reminders galore because it's so easy to have our hearts tied to things of earth and our eyes fixed on the temporary. We are so thankful for the hope that the birth of Jesus brought so many years ago and how it allows us to have confidence that one day we will see our baby Zeddie again. 

Qn: What are some books and resources you would recommend to anyone who may currently be trudging through the valleys of their life?   

Our journey is not over yet, please pray for endurance to run the race set before us with our eyes looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith (Hebrews 12:1-2). Continue to pray that the Gospel will continuously shape how we respond in grace, patience and love to our children and everyone around us, especially when grief hits hard in the most unexpected moments.

Pray for us to remember and cling on to these Gospel truths when it sometimes gets challenging to fight the devil’s lies. 

Pray also for us in every interaction we have with especially non-Christian friends and family, that we will be clear and intentional with our words in sharing the Gospel, that God will use Zeddie’s story to open their eyes to see Him as Sovereign Creator, Sustainer and Redeemer, and that people will come to know Him.

Qn: What are some books and resources you would recommend to anyone who may currently be trudging through the valleys of their life? 

Here are some helpful books:

• Matt Chandler’s “Joy in the Sorrow” speaks honestly about our suffering as a reality, and shows how joy in the midst of our suffering can be a reality too. 

• “Surprised by Suffering” by R.C Sproul is a classic book with the first half looking at life leading up to death and the second part looking at life after death. 

• “Wisdom in the Eye of the Storm” by Tim Sheppard is available on the Bible Matters App by St Helen's Bishopsgate. 

• “Hope When It Hurts” by Kristen Wetherell & Sarah Walton encourages women who are struggling with suffering (physical, emotional, psychological) whether for a season or longer. 

• “Holding on to Hope” by Nancy Guthrie also includes a study on the book of Job for those who want to dig deeper into what the Bible says about suffering and grief. 

• “Be Still My Soul” is a collection of 25 short readings from classic and contemporary theologians, Bible teachers and missionaries, edited by Nancy Guthrie. 

Here are books specifically addressing the experiences of miscarriage and child loss:

• “Seasons of Sorrow” by Tim Challies has been such an encouraging resource to me as we journey in our own season of sorrow. This book is born out of such deep grief and suffering, yet never fails to proclaim joy and hope! 

• “Held” by Abbey Wedgeworth is a book that's also available as a Podcast on Apple Podcasts. This was something I listened to, to hear from other godly women say about how God walked with them through the loss of a child.

• “Ours” by Eric Schumacher is the accompanying book for husbands & fathers. 

• The “Abel Speaks” podcast, created by an online Christian community by the same name which serves and supports families whose children have received any kind of life-limiting diagnosis. Their vision is that every family they serve will cherish their child’s life and have hope in the midst of sorrow. 

• “A Parent’s Guide to Sorrow and Suffering” by Daniel and Kelly Crawford.

Finally, here are some children’s books that we used to navigate Zeddie’s death and loss with Alyssa and Thaddeus. We believe that broaching these topics with them even while they are still young, prepares them to better face the realities of this broken and sinful world. Reading good children’s books about loss and death and heaven has also helped me break down complicated issues and learn how to process my own grief:

• “The Moon is Always Round” by Jonathan Gibson. Father and son share a simple liturgy together that reminds them that the goodness of God is always present through the different phases of life. 

• “Goodbye to Goodbyes” by Lauren Chandler tells the true story of Jesus, Lazarus and an empty tomb. 

• “Henry Says Good-Bye” by Edward T. Welch is a story about a little hedgehog who has to say goodbye to his pet ladybug. He and his whole family are sad but they learn to go to Jesus with their sadness and ask Him to comfort them.

Other Stories

Be encouraged by stories from around the BP Churches in Singapore.